The Pseudo-Egalitarian

Egalitarianism has become more of a popular trend in many interpersonal scenes, ranging from the egalitarian marriage to the parents who believe they and their children are all on equal footing. Of course, a certain sense of equity belongs in every sector of life, because we are all equal as human beings. However, a hierarchical structure is most efficient when given its due benevolence. Parents should have more say than their children, not because they're superior human beings, but because the wisdom and knowledge they have to impart is vital for healthy child-adolescent development. In politics, in the work place, and beyond there always tends to be a higher entity to which we answer. Notably, this hierarchy often spotlights in marital relationships: one of the very last places it ought to be.

Many of us say we are egalitarian, that we value one another's opinions, and discuss important matters. That's all good and well, but sincere discussion and simply appreciating another's input is not the hallmark of egalitarianism. To be egalitarian, one firmly believes that all should have equal opportunity and right.

I've seen a lot of pseudo-egalitarianism in marriages close to me, even in my own. Though it may have once been characteristic of the male role, I see this happening more often in the female role. It's difficult to notice when you go into an argument or simple discussion with your blinders on. If you find yourself continually feeling unable to come to an agreement on a subject, or even a conclusion, you're probably guilty of not letting your partner influence you. Unless of course, you just don't want to make the decision - that counts, right? Wrong.

In my own marriage, I've found that on too many occasions, my husband's influence was hardly a circumstance involving influence. Rather, it's been my choice to try to make him make a choice. Whether it's what to eat, what to do for a date night, or something more important, it's vital that spouses surrender at some point. This isn't a matter of weakness, it's a matter of equality as well as maintaining a healthy relationship. I feel loved and honored when my husband genuinely wants my opinion, when he asks for my influence. I feel respected and secure when he allows me to influence him, especially when he doesn't see my point. I'm a very emotional and highly sensitive person, so this occurs a lot. Knowing this, why wouldn't I want him to feel loved, honored, respected, and secure by allowing him to influence me?

Ask yourself, is your spouse's voice not only being heard, but also heeded? Do you think you're making decisions together, simply because your spouse isn't fighting you to get his/her way? Of course, we aren't often privy to the innermost experiences of our spouses, but it isn't too hard to tell when they feel like they don't get a choice in the matter simply by observing their body language. Some of the most awkward encounters I've had with other couples have involved witnessing the assertion of dominance, because what isn't obvious to one spouse, becomes incredibly obvious to onlookers. We can't help the natural desensitization and behavioral reinforcement that occurs over time as we, again and again, trounce our partner's, but it doesn't justify us to continue in our ways.

I would describe perspective like a rubber band, tightly wrapped around an object. It can be peeled away to grab a peek at something new, but as soon as we let go of that rubber band, it snaps right back into place, having afforded a small, but jarring opportunity to see a different view without the cloudiness of our own perspective. Unfortunately, it takes active force to keep at bay our stubborn perspective, but we do have the ability to break that binding tie and try something new.

It's Not You, It's Me...

Sadly enough, it hasn't dawned on me until recently just how absorbed I've been with myself in my marriage. I am very selfish and very prideful; two sins I thought I didn't have a problem with. Perhaps that was a red flag. However, even after my heartfelt journey to this epiphany, I can report that there haven't been any drastic changes in my behavior or perception. At times, I find that I've become more frustrated with myself as I feel irritation or exasperation with my husband. I can't help but wonder "When am I going to start thinking less about myself and more about my husband?" It seems like he is much more aware of my needs than I ever have been of his.

I've noticed a lot of this self-absorption can be attributed to my youth and the lonely struggle with overcoming bi-polar disorder and anxiety. My thoughts revolve around me constantly, but usually in very negative ways. Mistakenly, I believed that since my self-centered thoughts weren't about how great I was, I wasn't being selfish, so I didn't have anything to worry about. In fact, my husband should probably feel worse for me. However, since I've been with him, my struggle with my mental health has very much become a team effort, maybe even a solo act: He feels solely responsible for my happiness and is constantly wondering how I feel and what he should be doing to make me happy. This realization has been both motivating and seriously crippling as I try to balance my desire to do better and my tendency to think "I'm ruining my marriage. The very essence of me and who I am is a force of destruction and my marriage is the last victim standing."

It is tempting to give into feeling sorry for myself for being a super-martyr, but since when has an attitude of despair, self-pity, and pessimism improved a person's lot? I am a full believer in trying every single day, because trying is good enough, so I ought to apply this in every sense to my marriage (and probably the rest of my life). More simply, I'm not going to accept a sour attitude and consistently stormy moods when the weather changes or things go in an unexpected direction, because it's detrimental to me and it's detrimental to my husband. I don't want there to go by one more day, which, at dawn, he has to worry about what mood I'll wake up with. It shouldn't matter, if I'm trying to create my own happiness and share it with him! Life really isn't as much a game of roulette as it is a game of strategy, so we shouldn't treat it as such. 

My husband is a saint and he wouldn't begrudge me for this weakness. This is partly the motivation behind my changing. I have found tragic ease in wanting him to have to answer for his minor infractions. Even today I found myself succumbing yet again to this natural weakness, but the thought occurred to me later: How many things has he done right today? Do I ever think about or notice that? If we truly noticed the ratio of good to bad in our relationships, we probably wouldn't feel so bitter, angry, or irritated when our spouses do something we don't like [because we'd realize that 70 - 90% of the time, they do wonderful things for us that just makes life a breeze (passing almost unnoticeably)!]. Simply enough, the answer is: focus on the good, be grateful, count your blessings. This plain, simple truth could not be more beautifully expressed than within the sacred bond of marriage. I have a bright hope that as I strive to adhere to this action plan, I'll see my perspective change in life-in-general as well, and ultimately, I'll become more humble and less self-centered. Truly, there is sweet succor to be had in the service of our loved ones, especially our spouses.

There are many applications within marriage that this selfless mind-frame can benefit, spanning from daily communication to sexual intimacy. Discuss with your spouse how being more selfless with one another could benefit other elements of your relationship. Let me know your thoughts!

How My Faith Helps Me in My Marriage

Lately, I've been noticing how living the gospel of Christ has brought me joy in my marriage. This last semester I have been taking a Marriage class, which has turned my world upside down… in a good way. Ironically enough, I have been finding out that am definitely the one most in the wrong! It really hasn’t been him, it’s been me! The fact that I am stubborn and prideful may be old news for a lot of my family, but I can honestly say I didn’t fully realize it until now. Maybe because I’ve been too busy examining everyone else’s faults. If you can imagine my dismay and probably how funny it has been for my husband to yet again see how I’ve finally learned a lesson about the same thing he’s already told me a million times over. He hasn’t ever just come out and said it, but I can see how it has probably been a lot more obvious to him for a while now, yet he has remained ever so patient, gentle, loving and kind.

People always give my husband a hard time, joking with him and I, saying things like “How can you live with this guy? I am so sorry. It can’t be easy.” It’s usually the stereotypical things society believes to be typical of husbands that he takes a lot of public flack for: being lazy, stubborn, not always doing the best job the first time, being a little thick in the head… the list goes on. The fact of the matter is though, I’m more often the one responsible for all of the above!

Friday, before we left work (we both work at an Assisted Living Community), a resident came up to us and began to complain about the time change. She was seriously offended that the universe dare take an hour of sleep away from her in her retirement, while Seth expressed excitement at having an extra hour to do yard work, which seemed to surprise her. I just sat there, thinking how much I disliked this time change too. She then started to haggle with him as if she could strike a deal that might actually keep the clocks from “springing forward.” She suggested that Seth do his yardwork on Sundays, Seth pointed out that that’s the only day he and I get to spend together, so he wasn’t going to do that. She then said I ought to get out there too and help you, and I’m sitting there like “I can’t think of anything I’d hate to do more than yardwork on a Sunday.” She started badgering Seth into somewhat of a conversation corner, in which his only way out was the truth: “Jordyn doesn’t like yard work.” However, to my serious surprise, Seth said “You know why I can’t let her do that? She’d do a better job than I even could and I can’t have that!” Seth and I both know that isn’t true, yet he very sweetly kept my little skeleton in the closet and built me up to look like Wonder Woman.

That’s just what my husband does. He constantly builds me up and helps me to see the best in myself. He is much more selfless and charitable than I, in so many different ways, yet I’ve found myself (until recently) thinking that somehow I need to change his ways, lest he not be found spotless at the Second Coming. I have spent countless hours worrying about how he might not fit into the Kingdom of God and oh, what sadness that would bring me, when all of this time, I’ve been committing the much more serious sin. I’ve been living like a Pharisee for a long time, disguised as that poor girl whose family wasn’t always active and whose husband is a convert, as if that were a bad thing. I’ve been seriously guilty of pride, casting stones wherever I saw sin, yet assuming I didn’t deserve to have any tossed my way.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27)

H. Wallace Goddard says:

“Notice the key elements. Our weakness is divinely appointed. It is intentional and heaven-sent. And it has one purpose: to make us humble.

That is the big surprise. God gave us weakness so we could recognize our dependence on Him. Our central task is to make ourselves (with the help of our weakness) humble. Then, as we turn our lives over to Him, He will make us clean and holy.”

           

All of this time, I’ve been under the impression that some of the hardest aspects of my life just “happened” to me, and though I vaguely understood they were meant to change me for the good, I didn’t truly understand that there was ultimately one goal that would solve most of my problems. That goal being humility. And it turns out that has been my biggest problem for a long time and it has caused me a lot of grief in a lot of my most important relationships. I have a long ways to go, but living the gospel has helped me to realize that it is not my job to fix my husband, it is my goal to fix myself and love him unconditionally. God will bless us as He sees fit, but being closer to Him is the heavenly elixir that helps us to become more tolerant and understanding with our companions.

Goddard continues:

“…When we presume to set our partners and our marriage right, we are intruding on the Heavenly prerogative. We are seizing the reins from God. It doesn’t work. We mortals make poor gods.

What does work is to recognize our weakness and beseech God for the divine gift of charity. Rather than tamper with our partner’s soul, we can throw ourselves on the merits, mercy and grace of Him who is mighty to save. Only when filled with heavenly light can we offer healing love to our partner.

This is fully foreign to the natural man—that same natural man who is an enemy to God. We want to fix our marriages using our own insight and wisdom. But, when we recognize that we never see the big picture, that we cannot look into our partner’s soul, and that there is only One who sees perfectly, then we are on the path to a healthy relationship.”

 There are two things that have stuck out to me from Goddard’s teaching in his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Reuslts,

1. When we feel irritated with our partners (or really anyone for that matter, but especially our spouses) we should be grateful for this built-in mechanism that helps us to recognize an opportunity for repentance.
2. Marriage is God’s finishing school:

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become. Marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character. Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.”

 I am not trying to tell you my marriage is perfect, but I am happy to announce that I’m extremely happy with my marriage and I know that a lot this happiness, even joy, is a result of living the gospel.

Socially Acceptable Narcissism vs. Loving Yourself

My mother gave me some solid advice that I've been chewing on for years now. I didn't really sink my teeth into the thought until I was married, but I was too frantic by myself to give the notion the time it deserved. That is, that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. How many relationships have we hopped right into, wanting to feel that affirming love and infatuation? It's not bad to desire that - it makes us feel good and it's mostly innocent. However, how many of those relationships walked away from us (or we walked away from them), 'cause something just "didn't click" and it "wasn't meant to be?"

I didn't meet my husband until I stopped looking for "someone." More accurately, I met my husband when I stopped searching to the point of obsession; I truly believed I could not live as a single person. What I didn't realize at the time was that the real issue had much less to do with relationship status and a lot more to do with my love quota. First and foremost, I did not love myself nearly enough as I should have. I still don't, but I've seriously improved since then. I read a beautiful quote the other day that blew me away:

"Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done." - Rudy Francisco

What a beautifully accurate thought! It describes, in exactly one sentence, why loving ourselves is important. Why? Because people need to love us the right way, not the wrong way. This is more than just speaking the right love language; loving ourselves protects us from people who might love us with physical or emotional abuse, who might love us with manipulation, pride, envy (or any other selfish descriptor you can think of). None of these add up to true love and true love cannot exist with a chronically high concentration of these things. We know that, yet still we fall into (even cling to) relationships that may as well be poison, or at least an uncomfortably benign tumor (ii's not that bad, but it's not healthy, and it's probably operable). Loving ourselves involves setting standards: what we do and don't deserve, what is good and what isn't good enough, etc. When we don't love ourselves, we seek for others to define our standards. There are only a few beings in existence that know exactly what we deserve and what we're worth, and you are only one that isn't already immortal.

Still, in all things moderation! Society has been preachung this message, but I think it's gone too far. "Love yourself," has become a moral platitude. Not everyone is doing it, but a lot of people are doing it to such an extent that true love still cannot be achieved. True love consists of many different things and it varies from person to person, but the one thing that is universally requisite is selflessness.

 I am telling you right now that you have to love yourself quite a bit more than you probably already do and  you have to be selfless. What a combination! Could we get a break here?! Unfortunately, this is yet another life lesson in achieving balance. I've recently come to the conclusion that balance is perfection and perfection is balance. For those who have played with a weighted scale, you know that balance can be achieved at almost any point, so long as the counterweight is placed sufficiently in regard to the fulcrum. We must realize that balance is not always what we think it ought to be, but the physics behind it (which were not created by us, we simply discovered them) require a certain amount of give and take, a degree of moderation. Achieving balance in life is haphazard and time consuming, much like it is for people who dink around with a weighted scale for the first time. If this principle weren't true, the very cells of our bodies (as well as other living being's bodies) wouldn't try so darn hard to achieve homeostasis and gravity probably wouldn't be a thing either. These are only a few ideas that operate under the principle of balance and moderation. If they do, how can we believe for one second that we do not as well? If you doubt my theory, I would love for you to do your own research, come back, and prove me wrong, but I'll wish you luck on your way!

"Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves, rather it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself and so forth.
Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one's individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified--perhaps even obligated--to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one. According to today's values, 'A kind of selfishness is essential to love (Baumeister, 1991).'"

Here, Baumeister is talking about that socially acceptable narcissism that has penetrated and buoyed-up the Collective Whole's ego. Regardless of who you are and what your intentions may be, imbalance is unhealthy. You may perceive that you've mastered the concept of balance (much to the consternation of our Creator) but the simple truth is that none of us have, and we're not meant to master balance in this life. However, we ought to strive for it in every aspect of our life, especially in love. Learn to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved; set standards, figure out your identity, build some self-esteem, and then take that investment and put a little bit of it into others. I promise those investments will return you the favor with a serious profit that could never be achieved through selfishness. When you find someone who loves you the way you ought to be loved, you'll have plenty of surplus to sacrifice in building your partner up. Even then, you will learn to love yourself even more, because they give you the distinct privilege of sight beyond your eyes. When you put them before yourself, you will come to know, more perfectly, your own worth and value.

I didn't love myself enough when I found my husband, but I was trying a little harder to do so than I had in the past, and I know that made a difference. I also know that the love my husband has for me as healed me and lifted me up to greater heights. My gratitude for him and our marriage cannot be described. Honestly, at the end of the day I am not convinced that I'm not living somewhat of a fairy tale. And I'm totally okay with that because I think that's what I deserve! I also happen to think that's what you deserve, too. Figure out whether or not your love for yourself and your love for others is balanced (again, this doesn't necessarily mean 50/50!) and make the changes you need to make to achieve harmony in love.

Reference:

Baumeister, Roy. (1991). Meanings of Life, New York: Guildford Press. 113-14.

Short & Sweet: A Note About Forgiveness

At what point do we give up on our marriage? In answer to that question, I'd like to re-direct. At what point do you want your marriage to give up on you? At what point do you want the Savior to rescind your part of the Atonement and quit forgiving? At what point do you want your spouse to throw in the towel and give up on you? Yes, you, the person who claims to be without sin, casting your stone so readily at he who also sins (him/her, your partner in life, the one you vowed to love and cherish always). The one you pledged your love to and attempted to build a life with. Why is it that we feel so angry and indignant at the weakness of our spouses to the point of wanting to walk away? How can we think we're worthy enough to be the one to make the judgment call?

With soul-crushing realization, we may see ourselves in an incredibly unflattering light. We, who turn so quickly away from our loved ones, forgetting the many times they've chosen to turn toward us in the same scenario. I believe that we start wanting to call it quits when we've become too narrow-sighted and -minded. We seek the easy way out when we've forced ourselves to see that as the only way out; we've taken away the ability to view anything but what we choose to see in front of us. Like horses, we are wearing blinders. Unlike horses, however, we have opposable thumbs and are fully capable of taking those blinders off and realizing that there is a bigger picture that needs to be accounted for. 

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I talked with a Nazarene Preacher on Friday about what I was going to school for. After some back and forth about society's views of marriage and whether or not I was married, he asked me if I believed in forgiveness: I said "Of course, I have to!" He noted "You don't have to, but if you want this to work, you do." I thought it was pretty obvious and that it didn't even need to be said, but I think it's probably not obvious for everyone.

We have to forgive one another for being human! We have to forgive one another for our mistakes and our weaknesses. Granted, it's not always easy, but we ought to at least try for the sake of our marriages and for the sake of our partner's happiness. How about that concept? What else could we improve upon for our partner's happiness?

Much Ado About Nicholas Sparks

Who doesn't love a good Nicholas Sparks romance? I have to admit, Nicholas Sparks movies are my guilty pleasure (along with anything Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, etc). I love romance! Sparks is a wonderful romance novelist who doesn't quite cross the line of skeezy, which I appreciate. As a writer and a woman, I commend Sparks for the way he makes many-a-woman's heart flutter. However, as a wife and future mother, I do that little "face-palm" thing, because he is setting E X T R E M E L Y unrealistic standards for relationships, love, and romance.

I wasn't a porn addict when I got married. I didn't read dirty romance novels. Those obviously set unrealistic standards and are destructive to relationships as well as the purity of true love and marriage. What I was eating up, with very little discretion, were Nick Sparks movies, Twilight, and any and every Disney romance there was (and then some). You may be thinking here, "Hold up now! Is she really  trying to make a comparison between pornography and harmless Disney?!" Yes, I am, but hear me out. Obviously, there is very little, if any nudity or graphic or provocative scenes in this category of romance (more so in Nick Sparks, much much less in Disney), but there are some standards being set that aren't attainable for most people. I became addicted to those butterflies and the cheesy romance. I began to think that that was true love. Imagine my surprise when I finally got married and got my wake up call from reality!

After a little over two years of marriage later, I'm still enjoying Nick Sparks' movies, but for a different reason. This evening I went to see The Choice at the theater with a girl friend. I managed not to cry like a baby. The experience, though emotional and compelling, wasn't as chaotic as it has been in the past. When the credits began to roll I stood up and my first thought was "I'm so glad that's not my story." Let me tell you why: it's too much drama and none of it is real! How weird is it that I don't want to have the most epic fights that make it seem like we're about to fall apart?! I don't like being in rain; I can't think of anything less romantic. Granted, I've grown up and lived in a part of the states where the rain is never warm. I also take a lot of pride in how I do my hair on a daily basis, thus rain is my arch nemesis. Making out in the rain has never been a thing for me. However, according to Nick Sparks, this is a "must have" experience. So who's right? I'm going to spare you any further confusion: you and your partner only know what's best and what's right.

If you don't like: long walks on the beach, making out in the rain, going for a bumpy ride horseback (when you have no idea how to ride a horse), writing love letters for years to someone who may or may not be getting them, pining over someone who married someone else and showing up one day to win them back, "romantically" cheating on someone in a whirlwind romance, getting back with your high-school flame; if that's not for you, that's totally okay. There are a lot of other cliches I could include, specifically on the steamier intimate side, but I really don't need to. I trust you get my point. The point is, true love is not like that. There is a "honeymoon phase" that lasts about 3 months, give or take, then things get real. Imperfections become painfully obvious, the fun may be gone, and the romance may feel a little stale. This is the part where you have to make a decision about compatibility and the costs and rewards of pursuing the relationship. Everyone experiences these two steps, but not everyone goes forward. For those who do, their actions from that choice on determine the quality of the relationship.

Nichols Sparks had one thing right in this latest movie installment of his series: we are continually making choices in life and in love. Unfortunately, a lot of romantic media and literature portrays a story of love and romance that just "happens" to two people ("soul mates"). Certain things do befall us, but much of our fate is not pre-determined, especially when it comes to love. You may have heard that love is a choice that you make every day, or something to that effect. When my husband and I got married, some of the greatest advice we got was that marriage is work and it is well worth the effort. At the time, I felt like I understood what was meant and I was sure we'd make it. I can tell you now that I had no idea, but I have made choices based on that advice (and personal experience) that have gotten me and my husband to where we are in our marriage. We've both decided we're going to make it work. That's what we vowed to do, that's what we promised each other.

We make choices about how we speak to each other, what we bring up (and what we don't), and how we treat each other. There are hundreds of opportunities within a single day that give us the choice to build up or tear down our marriage. Lately, I've been trying to be less negative, more complimentary, and I've tried to nurture my fondness and admiration for my husband in doing so. I've done more to help endear me to my husband and develop a greater sense of awe - which hasn't been hard because he's amazing. The choice that I made to try to do these things has made a huge difference this week. I didn't fully realize that until that movie was over and, for once, I was extremely pleased to be who I was with who I am married to.

 Given the choice between me and my husband, and a Nick Sparks couple, I'd choose me and my husband every time. I love our romance, it fits us. I love my husband; he is my best friend, greatest companion, and ultimate lover. Real life is crazy enough, I don't need the added turbulence of theatrical drama to make my love life feel epic. It is epic enough in just the right ways. I know I can count on him, I know I can count on us, and I know I'm being true to myself. I also know that none of that just happened and I love that too, because it proves that we are dynamic and beautiful creatures capable of feats much more epic than Edward and Bella or Snow White and Prince Charming. In the face of a very uncertain reality, a society that is growing sour to family and marriage, war, death, disease, poverty - you name it - I know who will be there by my side. We're Zombie Apocalypse mates for life and eternity to come, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yeah, there's nothing like a sappy romance to remind me of how lucky I am to have the story that I do have. I have my own fairy tale; I write a new page daily  (though, sometimes chapters tend to occur in a span of a single day), and I prefer it to the rest. I am a die-hard romantic, yes, but I value true love over romance.

IMPORTANT NOTE: By all means don't stop watching Disney, Twilight, The Notebook, or what have you simply because I'm saying it sets unrealistic standards. We each know best what we can handle while remaining faithful to ourselves and our partners. It is important that we are critical about what we watch, read, etc. For some people these concepts have been obvious from the get-go, but we weren't all born critical-thinkers. People, like me, have fallen for the impossible and it is destructive.

Mothers and Fathers, do your children the justice of showing them a real love story (through your examples), and explaining the difference in movies and books. Wives and husbands, be honest with yourselves about your fidelity. Be careful about the feelings you stir up in your hearts and home, because the sneaky ones like to stick around and injure real love. I only wish to share a word of caution, not pass judgment! Thanks for reading!

Minding Your Mind Frame in Marriage: Part 2

A Note of Gratitude
I'd like to start off by shouting from the roof-tops how grateful I am for my husband. He is the man who saves cat videos on his phone for when I'm really sad, so he can show me and I laugh uncontrollably. This isn't the only way he makes my rainy days better. He brings me little treats that he knows I like, sparing what I'm sure adds up to a pretty penny for my luxury. Yes, a soda pop from the local Maverick is a luxury for me! He lets me drive our new truck, because he knows how ridiculously excited I am about owning my first car. I'm sure it can't be easy for a man to let his wife showboat and hog an object of their pride and joy, but my husband is pretty selfless like that. These are only a few of the little things he always does, every day. He feels joy when I feel joy, sadness when I feel sadness, frustration when I'm frustrated. We feel all the feels that are to be felt, together. Bless his soul, 'cause Heaven knows I'm sensitive and have unpredictable stormy weather in the mood department. Even so, his compassion for me runs deep, yet sometimes I don't notice it.

BFFLE: Best Friends for Life & Eternity
I think many of us probably don't notice just how attuned our partners are to us. We may even find it exasperating that they aren't being stronger when we're at our weakest. While this can be somewhat of a challenge in the sense that you want to throw yourself on their shoulder and weep, but truly the fact that they are feeling what you're feeling means something very special. I'm not trying to say that all spouses should be basket cases when the other is, but we ought to recognize that they're likely suffering a bit too. Not only are they feeling sympathy, they're also truly experiencing empathy; they've closely tied their happiness to yours, heart strings and all. Sadly enough, we're not all that close.

This attunement springs from the well of friendship, the sustaining life water of your relationship. May I repeat again, friendship is the vital life water of your relationship. It is not romance, it is not communication, it is not the vague notion of "chemistry," nor is it a good sex life. All of the aforementioned hinge on the fact that you two are the best of friends. If you do not feel that you're married to your best friend - don't despair! How do we get best friends in the first place? Through trial, experience, hard work, blood, sweat, and tears. All of our best relationships are forged in fire. That being said, today is a good day to start befriending your spouse. Not only because it improves that list of things, but because it is our strongest line of defense in the face of negativity. Your friendship will safeguard your relationship when the romance isn't there and you just can't seem to get anything through their thick noggin. John Gottman's research on marriage proves this. If you doubt your muster for the task, I'd highly recommend reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman. This man has taken the finest nuances of a good marriage and worked them down to scientific evidence, showing us how we can protect, rescue, and improve our marriages.

Covenant Marriage
That said, I need to finish up my thoughts on contractual versus covenant marriage. We know that contractual is that 50/50 thing, so covenant must be the 100/100 thing. This is true and there's more to it. I'd like to explain covenant marriage through a video of a man sharing his remarkable insight regarding a parable of Christ's: of the Shephard versus the hireling and how each corresponds to covenant versus constractual marriage. Certainly our mind frame makes all of the difference in how we care for our marriage. Enter, Bruce C. Hafen:

Mind Your Mind Frame in Marriage: Part 1

The following overarching idea came to me whilst reading the article, Covenant Hearts, by Bruce C. Hafen. Coincidentally enough (or not so), I came across a piece of material on Facebook before I started reading his article, and I feel that is what got the gears churning in my head that helped to generate this idea. The post was from Tech Insider (the Facebook page) about the possible "real" reason behind divorce. I hadn't read the article, but it seemed to imply that we weren't already aware of the true and legitimate culprit of divorce. After writing my blog post, I'll have to track that article down and see if I was right or not. However, the thought crystallized while reading that article.

Our ideas about marriage prior to marriage (and shortly after we first encounter trials in marriage) affect the longevity and quality of the marriage. I'm not not submitting that just any pre-conceived notions count; I'm saying that whether our mentality is contract-like or covenant-like determines the quality and longevity of marriage. The truth is we're all imperfect beings choosing another being whose perfections we can "live with." This does not mean that we cannot help one another to improve our imperfections and weaknesses - that's the whole point! However, there is a huge difference between the way a contract-thinker versus a covenant-thinker perceive imperfection.

The contractual mind frame sees imperfection as somewhat of an omen, if not altogether an indicator of absolute bad. If one part of the marriage is bad, the whole part is bad. I, myself, began with this same perspective. These people feel that they are not bound by any obligation to improve a.) themselves, for they are often as guilty as their partner or b.) the marriage; if he/she does a,b, and/or c, the whole marriage is doomed - there is nothing left to salvage. Of course, this generally isn't something like "He can't take the trash out," or "She won't stop telling her mother about everything going on in our lives," that leads to divorce. However, for some people, that is just enough to push them over the edge if they view their marriage through the contractual perspective. Ultimately, as soon as they believe that there is no value left for them, they're out. The model of adequate contribution in their head is "50/50." However, this model was incorrect to begin with. Being the fact that we are all imperfect, we are incapable of giving the total 50. And if two people already aren't giving the total 50, even less, then there simply is not enough going into the relationship to provide a foundation for them to stand on, much less build on.

This mind frame is what lends truth to the statistic that holds that those who divorce are more likely than those who don't to divorce again. Furthermore, that likelihood increases with each subsequent divorce. Buy why? Don't people learn over time? If they've got this contractual view of marriage and they did do indeed take flight at the first sign of trouble, they condition themselves to believe that that trouble is real trouble, a real threat, a good reason to have gotten the heck out of dodge. With the chaos and turmoil one feels when divorcing, regardless of why, one begins to associate those feelings of inadequacy, failure, fear, disappointment, brokenhearted-ness, and hopelessness - all of which are most likely externalized by blaming, though they are truly a reflection of how said person feels about having loved and lost - with the trouble/event/imperfection that started it all. In total, generated is the idea that it was the person or the marriage to that person that was wrong, not any actions or inaction within the marriage.

Inevitably, contract thinkers are bound to only find the next person whose imperfection (that they're aware of) they can tolerate. They're also bound to become just as disappointed, because there is no perfect soul mate. Yes, it's true. We create our own magic; the prospect of a fairy tale ending is in our hands. It's possible to live happily ever after, but it requires blood, sweat, and toil. There is no one person in the whole universe that is just right for you. (Even if that were true, marriage to that person wouldn't suddenly become easy.) It's important to know that we tend to attract people who are quite similar to us. Often, in order to find Mr./Mrs. Right, we need to become Mr./Mrs. Right, but we're all too caught up thinking that the we don't need to change in order to realize or give heed to this fact. Who would want to be with someone that had little to contribute, but also had high demands of their partner? I wouldn't and it's safe to assume that the rest of the human population also is not interested in such a poor offer. The main idea here is that whether these are physical traits or personality/character traits that we desire, unless we possess them ourselves, we're not going to get that out of someone else (not for long, at least). 

Emotional intelligence is a contributing factor to our mind frame as it either in inhibits our magnifies our ability to form proper and healthy relationships. Unfortunately enough, we aren't all very emotionally intelligent. This isn't a tragic fault, but one often overlooked. When we already struggle to understand ourselves, we become even more befuddled by adding another person's emotions into the equation. Emotional intelligence is something that is instilled and built upon starting from toddler-hood, which is when we begin to perceive that we are; that is, that we feel, know, do, perceive, and are subjects of others' existences. 

This budding egocentricity gradually becomes less and less centered on self and more concerned with others, but being able to identify and validate one's own emotions must come first before making gains in social intelligence. Both our temperament, personality, experiences, and environment contribute to our social-emotional education and this continues throughout the rest of our lives. However, those who better understand themselves are better off understanding others as well as are better able to build legitimate, satisfying relationships that last. Be those relationships with siblings, parents, friends, or spouses. Additionally, the examples we continue to see and experience in our parents' marriages (first and foremost), the marriages of other notable or admirable figures in our lives, as well as those that are publicized in the media, serve as a pattern that we have a tendency to adhere to.Please note, in all of this, we are not static; if one is aware of the deficit and has the desire as well as the resources to make up for the deficit, one is more than capable of changing his or her own circumstances. This principle applies to almost everything in the human experience. Finally, the quality of the relationships we experience with our parents (yet again first and foremost), our siblings, other relatives, friends, and so on, also set the stage for the quality of the relationships we have with spouses. Look up John Bowlby's work on Attachment Styles, for more information.

Never in my life have I encountered more of a catchy, truly artistic and insightful song as Daughters, by John Mayer:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too.

John Mayer was definitely onto something, here! Though, I don't quite agree with the gender stereo-type. Now that we've examined 3 or 4 tangents on the theme of the marriage contract paradigm, we'll take a look at the covenant marriage paradigm (Another time: Part 2.)

**Dearest readers, it has come to my attention that sharing politically charged material on Facebook is not the appropriate avenue for edification. I will not be sharing any of my blog articles that I believe will cause a fuss, because I don't want to force any more people (and their dangerous curiosity) to encounter material that will upset them. If you want closure on my opinion about gay marriage and its place in society, you know where to look, but please don't do so to feed your offense. I'm not trying to attack the gay community and gay marriage, but I am not going to be dishonest about my personal beliefs. Remind yourselves that I do have the right to share my beliefs and opinions, as protected by the first amendment. You have the right and the ability to spare yourself the grief, so please take advantage of it!

Not Your Mother's Two Cents On Gay Marriage: Part 1

Everybody, fasten your seat-belts, pull out your barf-bags, and be sure to put your oxygen mask over your own face (before helping another). I'm afraid we are hitting a bit of turbulence (or a turbulent subject): gay marriage. Only one blog entry down and suddenly she thinks she can talk about gay marriage? Who does she think she is? Ahah! "Credibility of source:" Very important indeed when considering whether or not to believe anything said source has to say. Right?

I'm a citizen of society, and a married one at that, that has a mind of her own with a voracious appetite. I've got all sorts of thoughts, ideas, plans, and ambitions. Most of them are family and marriage related, because that's what I'm most passionate about. I'm an online student at Brigham Young University - Idaho, studying to obtain a Bachelor's Degree in Marriage and Family Studies. I read and study scholarly articles pertaining to Marriage and Family in all of its forms and theories on a daily basis, so you can rest assured that I'm not flinging my opinion at you with no ground to stand on.Yes, I am LDS (a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), but it's important to note that I do not speak on behalf of the church. My testimony, thoughts, feelings, words and actions are all of my own; no one has told me what to say or think and I'm not telling anyone what to do or feel (though I'm prone to making strong suggestions).

Now that we've established this, let's celebrate being human: flawed, misunderstood, subject to a variety of tendencies, casual connoisseurs of many mortal poisons (whichever we like best); that is not all we are, yet many of us like to get hung up on those parts only. There is a long list of adjectives that describes humanity, you can find it in the dictionary. There is simply too much to say to sum us all up, but please know that I am one of the many who finds being human a beautiful and bittersweet thing. I say this out of 21 years of experience of being a human and 21 years of observing and learning about other humans. Forgive me if I offend, but I do not speak my mind to be offensive. I speak my mind to be heard, to be understood, and to find understanding among others. My quest is to seek and share truth: nothing more, nothing less. My request, as one human citizen of society to another, is that you read with an open mind and heart. If you cannot bring yourself to be open-minded or open-hearted, we probably have no business bumping shoulders, so I bid thee a kind farewell.

Phew! All of that said, I'll finally give you my two cents:

• Marriage is the union between a man and a woman.

This has been exclusively true since the dawn of time up until about 1985. I do not believe that the true definition of marriage has changed, even though the majority vote in Supreme Court made a decision about the economy and well-being of Americans that allowed gay couples to wed in the same way. I would encourage you to read the whole case, as well as the testimonies of the dissenting justices.

• Marriage is the bedrock of society. 

Marriage is, always has, and always will be a fundamental social institution. Why? Mainly because of what it produces.What does marriage produce? The marriage of a man and a woman, with divinely inherent, complementary traits and personality, creates an improved man and woman. Like I pointed out in my first blog post, I struggle with bi-polar and anxiety. I can promise you, without having had the experience of two years of marriage under my belt, I would have sat there and cried. There's nothing wrong with sitting around and crying, but the fact that I didn't (in my case) is evidence of my having become a better person. It  has changed me physically (my immune system can handle so much more now, it's great!), emotionally (maturity and intelligence), spiritually (charity, patience, humility to name a few...), and it's changed my circumstances. I have a lot more to contribute to society because I'm a *healthier and wealthier person.

As man and woman pro-create, they bring into the world children that learn and grow from their parents, becoming yet better citizens of society. Obviously, this is not always true because some children who were born within a marriage may end up losing a parent along the way due to death or divorce. Typically, though, those who were once married re-marry and I testify to you that the best environment for children to be raised in is within the bonds of marriage between a man and woman. Healthy, contributing citizens come from healthy marriages and healthy families. This is the ideal we should be striving after, because we've wandered a long way from even the "good enough."

The health of our economy is directly related to the health of the family. We learn most of our morals, ethics, and the like from our families, good or bad. From the early age of only months-old to nearly out the door at eighteen, we're soaking up the examples our parents provide. If we haven't learned that getting an education is important, or at least getting enough experience so we can work hard, then we're not contributing to the economy. Instead, we're sucking it out of the economy through welfare programs and the like. I'm not saying these programs aren't helpful to those in dire straights, because they are! I've been there. However, I know these programs weren't designed to fund the lives of millions for the rest of their existence.

We've been treating at the crisis level for too long. Intervention at the social welfare level is not enough. We need to treat the family and the marriages that start those families. Whatever it takes, we need to find a way to protect the marriages that are healthy, improve the marriages that are not, and give those parents the tools they need to create a successful, healthy, happy family. This is important for our economy, it is important for our spirituality, and our existence in general. We cannot be too afraid to speak out about social ills, moral decay, and fractured families and marriages of today. You may think we live in a nation where just about anything can be said and tolerated, but the truth is that the most important foundation of humanity is suffering and we're too afraid to admit it and make the changes (if anyone else even knew in the first place!) If you're angry, offended, disappointed, or otherwise put off, you know that what I said is true, because if something makes you feel that sharply, you know it's not been said enough.

This is only a small glimpse of the bigger picture I'm trying to convey here, but there's more time for that later. I'll keep my final statement short and simple: gay marriage is not beneficial to society, but marriage between a man and a woman is (More on the matter to come!).

NOTE: I do not hate gay people, I have close family members who are gay and I love them very much. We don't all have to agree to get along - crazy idea, I know. Regardless of what is cool, trendy, okay, or not okay, I'm going to stand up for what I believe. I'm on a journey to become less afraid of being my own person and speaking my own mind, because there's nothing wrong with being Me. I would encourage you to do the same. We could all benefit from being truer to ourselves, to our God, and being more loving and understanding of one another.

**I will go over how marriage makes us healthier in a different blog post another time.

Making the Bed

Just recently, I found myself very upset and incredibly down. Having bi-polar and anxiety, this isn't an infrequent state - I tend to visit often. However, it was one of those times that felt more like a flip was switched before I had time to catch it. Those who have bi-polar know what I mean by flip-switch reactions. I've been dealing with this diagnosis since high school, so I feel pretty well in control of myself and can tell when something is going to trigger me. However, I just went from totally happy, having had a wonderful day at work and expecting to have a great weekend off, to extremely down, irritable, and flat. My husband, of course, noticed and wondered what was wrong, why things had changed so fast. Within about an hour, I went from bored to extremely irritated and I felt stuck.

It didn't help that my husband was only dropping me off at home and had to go back to work to finish a few things up (P.S. we work together). With a quick kiss, telling me he loved me, and a goodbye, he was out the door and I was sitting on the coffee table trying to make heads or tails of what had just occurred in such a short amount of time. After chalking it up to a mixture of bi-polar and boredom at work, I wondered whether or not I was going to sit there and cry or get to my school work. I figured that I may as well be comfortable while I let my feelings out, so I headed up to the bedroom and got changed. Before I walked out the door, I stopped and figured perhaps I could do something nice for my husband; he would really like it if I picked up all of my clothes and put them away (an occasion as rare as an eclipse, practically). As I got started, I found my mood improving a bit, but not all the way. I even went so far as to make the bed. I heard him coming through the door downstairs as I finished up in the bedroom, so I went to my office so as to appear unsuspecting. My mood had lightened quite a bit; no crying necessary! However, I still felt out of sorts and just really unhappy. Within the moments of just standing there wondering how happy he'd be when he saw that I'd cleaned up our room and made the bed, he made it to the top of the staircase with one of my favorite beverages in hand. I felt absolutely weak. I was also thinking, apart from how sweet he was, 'Thank goodness I did something nice too, I don't feel like I deserve him... like ever.' He handed me my drink with a verbal note: "For my sourpuss."

People wonder why marriage is important, or if it's important at all. Many have had really poor experiences with marriage, others (like myself, at one point) are extremely disillusioned about the reality of marriage and are pining away for that big day. Still others think that marriage is barbarism: the treading underfoot of Woman. I suppose we're all entitled to our thoughts and opinions, but let me tell you what I think. I need marriage. I need this man in my life. And it's more than a legal contract to me, it's making the bed, being a sourpuss that's loved by someone (at least), putting clothes away, making the bed, becoming a better person, and so much more. Oh boy, is there ever more to marriage! That's what I'm here to tell you, my two cents in real life experiences. How I see marriage and life from my side of the bed... which is the side furthest away from the nearest entry, in case of intruders. Yes, it has to be this way, because my husband wants to be the first thing between me and a dangerous intruder. Marriage is charming and endearing, yes, but it has a lot more substance too. It's just about everything we need to make it through this life into the next, and that's still not all folks! So hang around, I have plenty to say.