Mind Your Mind Frame in Marriage: Part 1

The following overarching idea came to me whilst reading the article, Covenant Hearts, by Bruce C. Hafen. Coincidentally enough (or not so), I came across a piece of material on Facebook before I started reading his article, and I feel that is what got the gears churning in my head that helped to generate this idea. The post was from Tech Insider (the Facebook page) about the possible "real" reason behind divorce. I hadn't read the article, but it seemed to imply that we weren't already aware of the true and legitimate culprit of divorce. After writing my blog post, I'll have to track that article down and see if I was right or not. However, the thought crystallized while reading that article.

Our ideas about marriage prior to marriage (and shortly after we first encounter trials in marriage) affect the longevity and quality of the marriage. I'm not not submitting that just any pre-conceived notions count; I'm saying that whether our mentality is contract-like or covenant-like determines the quality and longevity of marriage. The truth is we're all imperfect beings choosing another being whose perfections we can "live with." This does not mean that we cannot help one another to improve our imperfections and weaknesses - that's the whole point! However, there is a huge difference between the way a contract-thinker versus a covenant-thinker perceive imperfection.

The contractual mind frame sees imperfection as somewhat of an omen, if not altogether an indicator of absolute bad. If one part of the marriage is bad, the whole part is bad. I, myself, began with this same perspective. These people feel that they are not bound by any obligation to improve a.) themselves, for they are often as guilty as their partner or b.) the marriage; if he/she does a,b, and/or c, the whole marriage is doomed - there is nothing left to salvage. Of course, this generally isn't something like "He can't take the trash out," or "She won't stop telling her mother about everything going on in our lives," that leads to divorce. However, for some people, that is just enough to push them over the edge if they view their marriage through the contractual perspective. Ultimately, as soon as they believe that there is no value left for them, they're out. The model of adequate contribution in their head is "50/50." However, this model was incorrect to begin with. Being the fact that we are all imperfect, we are incapable of giving the total 50. And if two people already aren't giving the total 50, even less, then there simply is not enough going into the relationship to provide a foundation for them to stand on, much less build on.

This mind frame is what lends truth to the statistic that holds that those who divorce are more likely than those who don't to divorce again. Furthermore, that likelihood increases with each subsequent divorce. Buy why? Don't people learn over time? If they've got this contractual view of marriage and they did do indeed take flight at the first sign of trouble, they condition themselves to believe that that trouble is real trouble, a real threat, a good reason to have gotten the heck out of dodge. With the chaos and turmoil one feels when divorcing, regardless of why, one begins to associate those feelings of inadequacy, failure, fear, disappointment, brokenhearted-ness, and hopelessness - all of which are most likely externalized by blaming, though they are truly a reflection of how said person feels about having loved and lost - with the trouble/event/imperfection that started it all. In total, generated is the idea that it was the person or the marriage to that person that was wrong, not any actions or inaction within the marriage.

Inevitably, contract thinkers are bound to only find the next person whose imperfection (that they're aware of) they can tolerate. They're also bound to become just as disappointed, because there is no perfect soul mate. Yes, it's true. We create our own magic; the prospect of a fairy tale ending is in our hands. It's possible to live happily ever after, but it requires blood, sweat, and toil. There is no one person in the whole universe that is just right for you. (Even if that were true, marriage to that person wouldn't suddenly become easy.) It's important to know that we tend to attract people who are quite similar to us. Often, in order to find Mr./Mrs. Right, we need to become Mr./Mrs. Right, but we're all too caught up thinking that the we don't need to change in order to realize or give heed to this fact. Who would want to be with someone that had little to contribute, but also had high demands of their partner? I wouldn't and it's safe to assume that the rest of the human population also is not interested in such a poor offer. The main idea here is that whether these are physical traits or personality/character traits that we desire, unless we possess them ourselves, we're not going to get that out of someone else (not for long, at least). 

Emotional intelligence is a contributing factor to our mind frame as it either in inhibits our magnifies our ability to form proper and healthy relationships. Unfortunately enough, we aren't all very emotionally intelligent. This isn't a tragic fault, but one often overlooked. When we already struggle to understand ourselves, we become even more befuddled by adding another person's emotions into the equation. Emotional intelligence is something that is instilled and built upon starting from toddler-hood, which is when we begin to perceive that we are; that is, that we feel, know, do, perceive, and are subjects of others' existences. 

This budding egocentricity gradually becomes less and less centered on self and more concerned with others, but being able to identify and validate one's own emotions must come first before making gains in social intelligence. Both our temperament, personality, experiences, and environment contribute to our social-emotional education and this continues throughout the rest of our lives. However, those who better understand themselves are better off understanding others as well as are better able to build legitimate, satisfying relationships that last. Be those relationships with siblings, parents, friends, or spouses. Additionally, the examples we continue to see and experience in our parents' marriages (first and foremost), the marriages of other notable or admirable figures in our lives, as well as those that are publicized in the media, serve as a pattern that we have a tendency to adhere to.Please note, in all of this, we are not static; if one is aware of the deficit and has the desire as well as the resources to make up for the deficit, one is more than capable of changing his or her own circumstances. This principle applies to almost everything in the human experience. Finally, the quality of the relationships we experience with our parents (yet again first and foremost), our siblings, other relatives, friends, and so on, also set the stage for the quality of the relationships we have with spouses. Look up John Bowlby's work on Attachment Styles, for more information.

Never in my life have I encountered more of a catchy, truly artistic and insightful song as Daughters, by John Mayer:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too.

John Mayer was definitely onto something, here! Though, I don't quite agree with the gender stereo-type. Now that we've examined 3 or 4 tangents on the theme of the marriage contract paradigm, we'll take a look at the covenant marriage paradigm (Another time: Part 2.)

**Dearest readers, it has come to my attention that sharing politically charged material on Facebook is not the appropriate avenue for edification. I will not be sharing any of my blog articles that I believe will cause a fuss, because I don't want to force any more people (and their dangerous curiosity) to encounter material that will upset them. If you want closure on my opinion about gay marriage and its place in society, you know where to look, but please don't do so to feed your offense. I'm not trying to attack the gay community and gay marriage, but I am not going to be dishonest about my personal beliefs. Remind yourselves that I do have the right to share my beliefs and opinions, as protected by the first amendment. You have the right and the ability to spare yourself the grief, so please take advantage of it!

Not Your Mother's Two Cents On Gay Marriage: Part 1

Everybody, fasten your seat-belts, pull out your barf-bags, and be sure to put your oxygen mask over your own face (before helping another). I'm afraid we are hitting a bit of turbulence (or a turbulent subject): gay marriage. Only one blog entry down and suddenly she thinks she can talk about gay marriage? Who does she think she is? Ahah! "Credibility of source:" Very important indeed when considering whether or not to believe anything said source has to say. Right?

I'm a citizen of society, and a married one at that, that has a mind of her own with a voracious appetite. I've got all sorts of thoughts, ideas, plans, and ambitions. Most of them are family and marriage related, because that's what I'm most passionate about. I'm an online student at Brigham Young University - Idaho, studying to obtain a Bachelor's Degree in Marriage and Family Studies. I read and study scholarly articles pertaining to Marriage and Family in all of its forms and theories on a daily basis, so you can rest assured that I'm not flinging my opinion at you with no ground to stand on.Yes, I am LDS (a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), but it's important to note that I do not speak on behalf of the church. My testimony, thoughts, feelings, words and actions are all of my own; no one has told me what to say or think and I'm not telling anyone what to do or feel (though I'm prone to making strong suggestions).

Now that we've established this, let's celebrate being human: flawed, misunderstood, subject to a variety of tendencies, casual connoisseurs of many mortal poisons (whichever we like best); that is not all we are, yet many of us like to get hung up on those parts only. There is a long list of adjectives that describes humanity, you can find it in the dictionary. There is simply too much to say to sum us all up, but please know that I am one of the many who finds being human a beautiful and bittersweet thing. I say this out of 21 years of experience of being a human and 21 years of observing and learning about other humans. Forgive me if I offend, but I do not speak my mind to be offensive. I speak my mind to be heard, to be understood, and to find understanding among others. My quest is to seek and share truth: nothing more, nothing less. My request, as one human citizen of society to another, is that you read with an open mind and heart. If you cannot bring yourself to be open-minded or open-hearted, we probably have no business bumping shoulders, so I bid thee a kind farewell.

Phew! All of that said, I'll finally give you my two cents:

• Marriage is the union between a man and a woman.

This has been exclusively true since the dawn of time up until about 1985. I do not believe that the true definition of marriage has changed, even though the majority vote in Supreme Court made a decision about the economy and well-being of Americans that allowed gay couples to wed in the same way. I would encourage you to read the whole case, as well as the testimonies of the dissenting justices.

• Marriage is the bedrock of society. 

Marriage is, always has, and always will be a fundamental social institution. Why? Mainly because of what it produces.What does marriage produce? The marriage of a man and a woman, with divinely inherent, complementary traits and personality, creates an improved man and woman. Like I pointed out in my first blog post, I struggle with bi-polar and anxiety. I can promise you, without having had the experience of two years of marriage under my belt, I would have sat there and cried. There's nothing wrong with sitting around and crying, but the fact that I didn't (in my case) is evidence of my having become a better person. It  has changed me physically (my immune system can handle so much more now, it's great!), emotionally (maturity and intelligence), spiritually (charity, patience, humility to name a few...), and it's changed my circumstances. I have a lot more to contribute to society because I'm a *healthier and wealthier person.

As man and woman pro-create, they bring into the world children that learn and grow from their parents, becoming yet better citizens of society. Obviously, this is not always true because some children who were born within a marriage may end up losing a parent along the way due to death or divorce. Typically, though, those who were once married re-marry and I testify to you that the best environment for children to be raised in is within the bonds of marriage between a man and woman. Healthy, contributing citizens come from healthy marriages and healthy families. This is the ideal we should be striving after, because we've wandered a long way from even the "good enough."

The health of our economy is directly related to the health of the family. We learn most of our morals, ethics, and the like from our families, good or bad. From the early age of only months-old to nearly out the door at eighteen, we're soaking up the examples our parents provide. If we haven't learned that getting an education is important, or at least getting enough experience so we can work hard, then we're not contributing to the economy. Instead, we're sucking it out of the economy through welfare programs and the like. I'm not saying these programs aren't helpful to those in dire straights, because they are! I've been there. However, I know these programs weren't designed to fund the lives of millions for the rest of their existence.

We've been treating at the crisis level for too long. Intervention at the social welfare level is not enough. We need to treat the family and the marriages that start those families. Whatever it takes, we need to find a way to protect the marriages that are healthy, improve the marriages that are not, and give those parents the tools they need to create a successful, healthy, happy family. This is important for our economy, it is important for our spirituality, and our existence in general. We cannot be too afraid to speak out about social ills, moral decay, and fractured families and marriages of today. You may think we live in a nation where just about anything can be said and tolerated, but the truth is that the most important foundation of humanity is suffering and we're too afraid to admit it and make the changes (if anyone else even knew in the first place!) If you're angry, offended, disappointed, or otherwise put off, you know that what I said is true, because if something makes you feel that sharply, you know it's not been said enough.

This is only a small glimpse of the bigger picture I'm trying to convey here, but there's more time for that later. I'll keep my final statement short and simple: gay marriage is not beneficial to society, but marriage between a man and a woman is (More on the matter to come!).

NOTE: I do not hate gay people, I have close family members who are gay and I love them very much. We don't all have to agree to get along - crazy idea, I know. Regardless of what is cool, trendy, okay, or not okay, I'm going to stand up for what I believe. I'm on a journey to become less afraid of being my own person and speaking my own mind, because there's nothing wrong with being Me. I would encourage you to do the same. We could all benefit from being truer to ourselves, to our God, and being more loving and understanding of one another.

**I will go over how marriage makes us healthier in a different blog post another time.

Making the Bed

Just recently, I found myself very upset and incredibly down. Having bi-polar and anxiety, this isn't an infrequent state - I tend to visit often. However, it was one of those times that felt more like a flip was switched before I had time to catch it. Those who have bi-polar know what I mean by flip-switch reactions. I've been dealing with this diagnosis since high school, so I feel pretty well in control of myself and can tell when something is going to trigger me. However, I just went from totally happy, having had a wonderful day at work and expecting to have a great weekend off, to extremely down, irritable, and flat. My husband, of course, noticed and wondered what was wrong, why things had changed so fast. Within about an hour, I went from bored to extremely irritated and I felt stuck.

It didn't help that my husband was only dropping me off at home and had to go back to work to finish a few things up (P.S. we work together). With a quick kiss, telling me he loved me, and a goodbye, he was out the door and I was sitting on the coffee table trying to make heads or tails of what had just occurred in such a short amount of time. After chalking it up to a mixture of bi-polar and boredom at work, I wondered whether or not I was going to sit there and cry or get to my school work. I figured that I may as well be comfortable while I let my feelings out, so I headed up to the bedroom and got changed. Before I walked out the door, I stopped and figured perhaps I could do something nice for my husband; he would really like it if I picked up all of my clothes and put them away (an occasion as rare as an eclipse, practically). As I got started, I found my mood improving a bit, but not all the way. I even went so far as to make the bed. I heard him coming through the door downstairs as I finished up in the bedroom, so I went to my office so as to appear unsuspecting. My mood had lightened quite a bit; no crying necessary! However, I still felt out of sorts and just really unhappy. Within the moments of just standing there wondering how happy he'd be when he saw that I'd cleaned up our room and made the bed, he made it to the top of the staircase with one of my favorite beverages in hand. I felt absolutely weak. I was also thinking, apart from how sweet he was, 'Thank goodness I did something nice too, I don't feel like I deserve him... like ever.' He handed me my drink with a verbal note: "For my sourpuss."

People wonder why marriage is important, or if it's important at all. Many have had really poor experiences with marriage, others (like myself, at one point) are extremely disillusioned about the reality of marriage and are pining away for that big day. Still others think that marriage is barbarism: the treading underfoot of Woman. I suppose we're all entitled to our thoughts and opinions, but let me tell you what I think. I need marriage. I need this man in my life. And it's more than a legal contract to me, it's making the bed, being a sourpuss that's loved by someone (at least), putting clothes away, making the bed, becoming a better person, and so much more. Oh boy, is there ever more to marriage! That's what I'm here to tell you, my two cents in real life experiences. How I see marriage and life from my side of the bed... which is the side furthest away from the nearest entry, in case of intruders. Yes, it has to be this way, because my husband wants to be the first thing between me and a dangerous intruder. Marriage is charming and endearing, yes, but it has a lot more substance too. It's just about everything we need to make it through this life into the next, and that's still not all folks! So hang around, I have plenty to say.