It's Not You, It's Me...

Sadly enough, it hasn't dawned on me until recently just how absorbed I've been with myself in my marriage. I am very selfish and very prideful; two sins I thought I didn't have a problem with. Perhaps that was a red flag. However, even after my heartfelt journey to this epiphany, I can report that there haven't been any drastic changes in my behavior or perception. At times, I find that I've become more frustrated with myself as I feel irritation or exasperation with my husband. I can't help but wonder "When am I going to start thinking less about myself and more about my husband?" It seems like he is much more aware of my needs than I ever have been of his.

I've noticed a lot of this self-absorption can be attributed to my youth and the lonely struggle with overcoming bi-polar disorder and anxiety. My thoughts revolve around me constantly, but usually in very negative ways. Mistakenly, I believed that since my self-centered thoughts weren't about how great I was, I wasn't being selfish, so I didn't have anything to worry about. In fact, my husband should probably feel worse for me. However, since I've been with him, my struggle with my mental health has very much become a team effort, maybe even a solo act: He feels solely responsible for my happiness and is constantly wondering how I feel and what he should be doing to make me happy. This realization has been both motivating and seriously crippling as I try to balance my desire to do better and my tendency to think "I'm ruining my marriage. The very essence of me and who I am is a force of destruction and my marriage is the last victim standing."

It is tempting to give into feeling sorry for myself for being a super-martyr, but since when has an attitude of despair, self-pity, and pessimism improved a person's lot? I am a full believer in trying every single day, because trying is good enough, so I ought to apply this in every sense to my marriage (and probably the rest of my life). More simply, I'm not going to accept a sour attitude and consistently stormy moods when the weather changes or things go in an unexpected direction, because it's detrimental to me and it's detrimental to my husband. I don't want there to go by one more day, which, at dawn, he has to worry about what mood I'll wake up with. It shouldn't matter, if I'm trying to create my own happiness and share it with him! Life really isn't as much a game of roulette as it is a game of strategy, so we shouldn't treat it as such. 

My husband is a saint and he wouldn't begrudge me for this weakness. This is partly the motivation behind my changing. I have found tragic ease in wanting him to have to answer for his minor infractions. Even today I found myself succumbing yet again to this natural weakness, but the thought occurred to me later: How many things has he done right today? Do I ever think about or notice that? If we truly noticed the ratio of good to bad in our relationships, we probably wouldn't feel so bitter, angry, or irritated when our spouses do something we don't like [because we'd realize that 70 - 90% of the time, they do wonderful things for us that just makes life a breeze (passing almost unnoticeably)!]. Simply enough, the answer is: focus on the good, be grateful, count your blessings. This plain, simple truth could not be more beautifully expressed than within the sacred bond of marriage. I have a bright hope that as I strive to adhere to this action plan, I'll see my perspective change in life-in-general as well, and ultimately, I'll become more humble and less self-centered. Truly, there is sweet succor to be had in the service of our loved ones, especially our spouses.

There are many applications within marriage that this selfless mind-frame can benefit, spanning from daily communication to sexual intimacy. Discuss with your spouse how being more selfless with one another could benefit other elements of your relationship. Let me know your thoughts!