Egalitarianism has become more of a popular trend in many interpersonal scenes, ranging from the egalitarian marriage to the parents who believe they and their children are all on equal footing. Of course, a certain sense of equity belongs in every sector of life, because we are all equal as human beings. However, a hierarchical structure is most efficient when given its due benevolence. Parents should have more say than their children, not because they're superior human beings, but because the wisdom and knowledge they have to impart is vital for healthy child-adolescent development. In politics, in the work place, and beyond there always tends to be a higher entity to which we answer. Notably, this hierarchy often spotlights in marital relationships: one of the very last places it ought to be.
Many of us say we are egalitarian, that we value one another's opinions, and discuss important matters. That's all good and well, but sincere discussion and simply appreciating another's input is not the hallmark of egalitarianism. To be egalitarian, one firmly believes that all should have equal opportunity and right.
I've seen a lot of pseudo-egalitarianism in marriages close to me, even in my own. Though it may have once been characteristic of the male role, I see this happening more often in the female role. It's difficult to notice when you go into an argument or simple discussion with your blinders on. If you find yourself continually feeling unable to come to an agreement on a subject, or even a conclusion, you're probably guilty of not letting your partner influence you. Unless of course, you just don't want to make the decision - that counts, right? Wrong.
In my own marriage, I've found that on too many occasions, my husband's influence was hardly a circumstance involving influence. Rather, it's been my choice to try to make him make a choice. Whether it's what to eat, what to do for a date night, or something more important, it's vital that spouses surrender at some point. This isn't a matter of weakness, it's a matter of equality as well as maintaining a healthy relationship. I feel loved and honored when my husband genuinely wants my opinion, when he asks for my influence. I feel respected and secure when he allows me to influence him, especially when he doesn't see my point. I'm a very emotional and highly sensitive person, so this occurs a lot. Knowing this, why wouldn't I want him to feel loved, honored, respected, and secure by allowing him to influence me?
Ask yourself, is your spouse's voice not only being heard, but also heeded? Do you think you're making decisions together, simply because your spouse isn't fighting you to get his/her way? Of course, we aren't often privy to the innermost experiences of our spouses, but it isn't too hard to tell when they feel like they don't get a choice in the matter simply by observing their body language. Some of the most awkward encounters I've had with other couples have involved witnessing the assertion of dominance, because what isn't obvious to one spouse, becomes incredibly obvious to onlookers. We can't help the natural desensitization and behavioral reinforcement that occurs over time as we, again and again, trounce our partner's, but it doesn't justify us to continue in our ways.
I would describe perspective like a rubber band, tightly wrapped around an object. It can be peeled away to grab a peek at something new, but as soon as we let go of that rubber band, it snaps right back into place, having afforded a small, but jarring opportunity to see a different view without the cloudiness of our own perspective. Unfortunately, it takes active force to keep at bay our stubborn perspective, but we do have the ability to break that binding tie and try something new.
No comments:
Post a Comment