The Pseudo-Egalitarian

Egalitarianism has become more of a popular trend in many interpersonal scenes, ranging from the egalitarian marriage to the parents who believe they and their children are all on equal footing. Of course, a certain sense of equity belongs in every sector of life, because we are all equal as human beings. However, a hierarchical structure is most efficient when given its due benevolence. Parents should have more say than their children, not because they're superior human beings, but because the wisdom and knowledge they have to impart is vital for healthy child-adolescent development. In politics, in the work place, and beyond there always tends to be a higher entity to which we answer. Notably, this hierarchy often spotlights in marital relationships: one of the very last places it ought to be.

Many of us say we are egalitarian, that we value one another's opinions, and discuss important matters. That's all good and well, but sincere discussion and simply appreciating another's input is not the hallmark of egalitarianism. To be egalitarian, one firmly believes that all should have equal opportunity and right.

I've seen a lot of pseudo-egalitarianism in marriages close to me, even in my own. Though it may have once been characteristic of the male role, I see this happening more often in the female role. It's difficult to notice when you go into an argument or simple discussion with your blinders on. If you find yourself continually feeling unable to come to an agreement on a subject, or even a conclusion, you're probably guilty of not letting your partner influence you. Unless of course, you just don't want to make the decision - that counts, right? Wrong.

In my own marriage, I've found that on too many occasions, my husband's influence was hardly a circumstance involving influence. Rather, it's been my choice to try to make him make a choice. Whether it's what to eat, what to do for a date night, or something more important, it's vital that spouses surrender at some point. This isn't a matter of weakness, it's a matter of equality as well as maintaining a healthy relationship. I feel loved and honored when my husband genuinely wants my opinion, when he asks for my influence. I feel respected and secure when he allows me to influence him, especially when he doesn't see my point. I'm a very emotional and highly sensitive person, so this occurs a lot. Knowing this, why wouldn't I want him to feel loved, honored, respected, and secure by allowing him to influence me?

Ask yourself, is your spouse's voice not only being heard, but also heeded? Do you think you're making decisions together, simply because your spouse isn't fighting you to get his/her way? Of course, we aren't often privy to the innermost experiences of our spouses, but it isn't too hard to tell when they feel like they don't get a choice in the matter simply by observing their body language. Some of the most awkward encounters I've had with other couples have involved witnessing the assertion of dominance, because what isn't obvious to one spouse, becomes incredibly obvious to onlookers. We can't help the natural desensitization and behavioral reinforcement that occurs over time as we, again and again, trounce our partner's, but it doesn't justify us to continue in our ways.

I would describe perspective like a rubber band, tightly wrapped around an object. It can be peeled away to grab a peek at something new, but as soon as we let go of that rubber band, it snaps right back into place, having afforded a small, but jarring opportunity to see a different view without the cloudiness of our own perspective. Unfortunately, it takes active force to keep at bay our stubborn perspective, but we do have the ability to break that binding tie and try something new.

It's Not You, It's Me...

Sadly enough, it hasn't dawned on me until recently just how absorbed I've been with myself in my marriage. I am very selfish and very prideful; two sins I thought I didn't have a problem with. Perhaps that was a red flag. However, even after my heartfelt journey to this epiphany, I can report that there haven't been any drastic changes in my behavior or perception. At times, I find that I've become more frustrated with myself as I feel irritation or exasperation with my husband. I can't help but wonder "When am I going to start thinking less about myself and more about my husband?" It seems like he is much more aware of my needs than I ever have been of his.

I've noticed a lot of this self-absorption can be attributed to my youth and the lonely struggle with overcoming bi-polar disorder and anxiety. My thoughts revolve around me constantly, but usually in very negative ways. Mistakenly, I believed that since my self-centered thoughts weren't about how great I was, I wasn't being selfish, so I didn't have anything to worry about. In fact, my husband should probably feel worse for me. However, since I've been with him, my struggle with my mental health has very much become a team effort, maybe even a solo act: He feels solely responsible for my happiness and is constantly wondering how I feel and what he should be doing to make me happy. This realization has been both motivating and seriously crippling as I try to balance my desire to do better and my tendency to think "I'm ruining my marriage. The very essence of me and who I am is a force of destruction and my marriage is the last victim standing."

It is tempting to give into feeling sorry for myself for being a super-martyr, but since when has an attitude of despair, self-pity, and pessimism improved a person's lot? I am a full believer in trying every single day, because trying is good enough, so I ought to apply this in every sense to my marriage (and probably the rest of my life). More simply, I'm not going to accept a sour attitude and consistently stormy moods when the weather changes or things go in an unexpected direction, because it's detrimental to me and it's detrimental to my husband. I don't want there to go by one more day, which, at dawn, he has to worry about what mood I'll wake up with. It shouldn't matter, if I'm trying to create my own happiness and share it with him! Life really isn't as much a game of roulette as it is a game of strategy, so we shouldn't treat it as such. 

My husband is a saint and he wouldn't begrudge me for this weakness. This is partly the motivation behind my changing. I have found tragic ease in wanting him to have to answer for his minor infractions. Even today I found myself succumbing yet again to this natural weakness, but the thought occurred to me later: How many things has he done right today? Do I ever think about or notice that? If we truly noticed the ratio of good to bad in our relationships, we probably wouldn't feel so bitter, angry, or irritated when our spouses do something we don't like [because we'd realize that 70 - 90% of the time, they do wonderful things for us that just makes life a breeze (passing almost unnoticeably)!]. Simply enough, the answer is: focus on the good, be grateful, count your blessings. This plain, simple truth could not be more beautifully expressed than within the sacred bond of marriage. I have a bright hope that as I strive to adhere to this action plan, I'll see my perspective change in life-in-general as well, and ultimately, I'll become more humble and less self-centered. Truly, there is sweet succor to be had in the service of our loved ones, especially our spouses.

There are many applications within marriage that this selfless mind-frame can benefit, spanning from daily communication to sexual intimacy. Discuss with your spouse how being more selfless with one another could benefit other elements of your relationship. Let me know your thoughts!

How My Faith Helps Me in My Marriage

Lately, I've been noticing how living the gospel of Christ has brought me joy in my marriage. This last semester I have been taking a Marriage class, which has turned my world upside down… in a good way. Ironically enough, I have been finding out that am definitely the one most in the wrong! It really hasn’t been him, it’s been me! The fact that I am stubborn and prideful may be old news for a lot of my family, but I can honestly say I didn’t fully realize it until now. Maybe because I’ve been too busy examining everyone else’s faults. If you can imagine my dismay and probably how funny it has been for my husband to yet again see how I’ve finally learned a lesson about the same thing he’s already told me a million times over. He hasn’t ever just come out and said it, but I can see how it has probably been a lot more obvious to him for a while now, yet he has remained ever so patient, gentle, loving and kind.

People always give my husband a hard time, joking with him and I, saying things like “How can you live with this guy? I am so sorry. It can’t be easy.” It’s usually the stereotypical things society believes to be typical of husbands that he takes a lot of public flack for: being lazy, stubborn, not always doing the best job the first time, being a little thick in the head… the list goes on. The fact of the matter is though, I’m more often the one responsible for all of the above!

Friday, before we left work (we both work at an Assisted Living Community), a resident came up to us and began to complain about the time change. She was seriously offended that the universe dare take an hour of sleep away from her in her retirement, while Seth expressed excitement at having an extra hour to do yard work, which seemed to surprise her. I just sat there, thinking how much I disliked this time change too. She then started to haggle with him as if she could strike a deal that might actually keep the clocks from “springing forward.” She suggested that Seth do his yardwork on Sundays, Seth pointed out that that’s the only day he and I get to spend together, so he wasn’t going to do that. She then said I ought to get out there too and help you, and I’m sitting there like “I can’t think of anything I’d hate to do more than yardwork on a Sunday.” She started badgering Seth into somewhat of a conversation corner, in which his only way out was the truth: “Jordyn doesn’t like yard work.” However, to my serious surprise, Seth said “You know why I can’t let her do that? She’d do a better job than I even could and I can’t have that!” Seth and I both know that isn’t true, yet he very sweetly kept my little skeleton in the closet and built me up to look like Wonder Woman.

That’s just what my husband does. He constantly builds me up and helps me to see the best in myself. He is much more selfless and charitable than I, in so many different ways, yet I’ve found myself (until recently) thinking that somehow I need to change his ways, lest he not be found spotless at the Second Coming. I have spent countless hours worrying about how he might not fit into the Kingdom of God and oh, what sadness that would bring me, when all of this time, I’ve been committing the much more serious sin. I’ve been living like a Pharisee for a long time, disguised as that poor girl whose family wasn’t always active and whose husband is a convert, as if that were a bad thing. I’ve been seriously guilty of pride, casting stones wherever I saw sin, yet assuming I didn’t deserve to have any tossed my way.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27)

H. Wallace Goddard says:

“Notice the key elements. Our weakness is divinely appointed. It is intentional and heaven-sent. And it has one purpose: to make us humble.

That is the big surprise. God gave us weakness so we could recognize our dependence on Him. Our central task is to make ourselves (with the help of our weakness) humble. Then, as we turn our lives over to Him, He will make us clean and holy.”

           

All of this time, I’ve been under the impression that some of the hardest aspects of my life just “happened” to me, and though I vaguely understood they were meant to change me for the good, I didn’t truly understand that there was ultimately one goal that would solve most of my problems. That goal being humility. And it turns out that has been my biggest problem for a long time and it has caused me a lot of grief in a lot of my most important relationships. I have a long ways to go, but living the gospel has helped me to realize that it is not my job to fix my husband, it is my goal to fix myself and love him unconditionally. God will bless us as He sees fit, but being closer to Him is the heavenly elixir that helps us to become more tolerant and understanding with our companions.

Goddard continues:

“…When we presume to set our partners and our marriage right, we are intruding on the Heavenly prerogative. We are seizing the reins from God. It doesn’t work. We mortals make poor gods.

What does work is to recognize our weakness and beseech God for the divine gift of charity. Rather than tamper with our partner’s soul, we can throw ourselves on the merits, mercy and grace of Him who is mighty to save. Only when filled with heavenly light can we offer healing love to our partner.

This is fully foreign to the natural man—that same natural man who is an enemy to God. We want to fix our marriages using our own insight and wisdom. But, when we recognize that we never see the big picture, that we cannot look into our partner’s soul, and that there is only One who sees perfectly, then we are on the path to a healthy relationship.”

 There are two things that have stuck out to me from Goddard’s teaching in his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Reuslts,

1. When we feel irritated with our partners (or really anyone for that matter, but especially our spouses) we should be grateful for this built-in mechanism that helps us to recognize an opportunity for repentance.
2. Marriage is God’s finishing school:

“We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become. Marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character. Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives.”

 I am not trying to tell you my marriage is perfect, but I am happy to announce that I’m extremely happy with my marriage and I know that a lot this happiness, even joy, is a result of living the gospel.