Socially Acceptable Narcissism vs. Loving Yourself

My mother gave me some solid advice that I've been chewing on for years now. I didn't really sink my teeth into the thought until I was married, but I was too frantic by myself to give the notion the time it deserved. That is, that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. How many relationships have we hopped right into, wanting to feel that affirming love and infatuation? It's not bad to desire that - it makes us feel good and it's mostly innocent. However, how many of those relationships walked away from us (or we walked away from them), 'cause something just "didn't click" and it "wasn't meant to be?"

I didn't meet my husband until I stopped looking for "someone." More accurately, I met my husband when I stopped searching to the point of obsession; I truly believed I could not live as a single person. What I didn't realize at the time was that the real issue had much less to do with relationship status and a lot more to do with my love quota. First and foremost, I did not love myself nearly enough as I should have. I still don't, but I've seriously improved since then. I read a beautiful quote the other day that blew me away:

"Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done." - Rudy Francisco

What a beautifully accurate thought! It describes, in exactly one sentence, why loving ourselves is important. Why? Because people need to love us the right way, not the wrong way. This is more than just speaking the right love language; loving ourselves protects us from people who might love us with physical or emotional abuse, who might love us with manipulation, pride, envy (or any other selfish descriptor you can think of). None of these add up to true love and true love cannot exist with a chronically high concentration of these things. We know that, yet still we fall into (even cling to) relationships that may as well be poison, or at least an uncomfortably benign tumor (ii's not that bad, but it's not healthy, and it's probably operable). Loving ourselves involves setting standards: what we do and don't deserve, what is good and what isn't good enough, etc. When we don't love ourselves, we seek for others to define our standards. There are only a few beings in existence that know exactly what we deserve and what we're worth, and you are only one that isn't already immortal.

Still, in all things moderation! Society has been preachung this message, but I think it's gone too far. "Love yourself," has become a moral platitude. Not everyone is doing it, but a lot of people are doing it to such an extent that true love still cannot be achieved. True love consists of many different things and it varies from person to person, but the one thing that is universally requisite is selflessness.

 I am telling you right now that you have to love yourself quite a bit more than you probably already do and  you have to be selfless. What a combination! Could we get a break here?! Unfortunately, this is yet another life lesson in achieving balance. I've recently come to the conclusion that balance is perfection and perfection is balance. For those who have played with a weighted scale, you know that balance can be achieved at almost any point, so long as the counterweight is placed sufficiently in regard to the fulcrum. We must realize that balance is not always what we think it ought to be, but the physics behind it (which were not created by us, we simply discovered them) require a certain amount of give and take, a degree of moderation. Achieving balance in life is haphazard and time consuming, much like it is for people who dink around with a weighted scale for the first time. If this principle weren't true, the very cells of our bodies (as well as other living being's bodies) wouldn't try so darn hard to achieve homeostasis and gravity probably wouldn't be a thing either. These are only a few ideas that operate under the principle of balance and moderation. If they do, how can we believe for one second that we do not as well? If you doubt my theory, I would love for you to do your own research, come back, and prove me wrong, but I'll wish you luck on your way!

"Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves, rather it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself and so forth.
Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one's individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified--perhaps even obligated--to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one. According to today's values, 'A kind of selfishness is essential to love (Baumeister, 1991).'"

Here, Baumeister is talking about that socially acceptable narcissism that has penetrated and buoyed-up the Collective Whole's ego. Regardless of who you are and what your intentions may be, imbalance is unhealthy. You may perceive that you've mastered the concept of balance (much to the consternation of our Creator) but the simple truth is that none of us have, and we're not meant to master balance in this life. However, we ought to strive for it in every aspect of our life, especially in love. Learn to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved; set standards, figure out your identity, build some self-esteem, and then take that investment and put a little bit of it into others. I promise those investments will return you the favor with a serious profit that could never be achieved through selfishness. When you find someone who loves you the way you ought to be loved, you'll have plenty of surplus to sacrifice in building your partner up. Even then, you will learn to love yourself even more, because they give you the distinct privilege of sight beyond your eyes. When you put them before yourself, you will come to know, more perfectly, your own worth and value.

I didn't love myself enough when I found my husband, but I was trying a little harder to do so than I had in the past, and I know that made a difference. I also know that the love my husband has for me as healed me and lifted me up to greater heights. My gratitude for him and our marriage cannot be described. Honestly, at the end of the day I am not convinced that I'm not living somewhat of a fairy tale. And I'm totally okay with that because I think that's what I deserve! I also happen to think that's what you deserve, too. Figure out whether or not your love for yourself and your love for others is balanced (again, this doesn't necessarily mean 50/50!) and make the changes you need to make to achieve harmony in love.

Reference:

Baumeister, Roy. (1991). Meanings of Life, New York: Guildford Press. 113-14.

Short & Sweet: A Note About Forgiveness

At what point do we give up on our marriage? In answer to that question, I'd like to re-direct. At what point do you want your marriage to give up on you? At what point do you want the Savior to rescind your part of the Atonement and quit forgiving? At what point do you want your spouse to throw in the towel and give up on you? Yes, you, the person who claims to be without sin, casting your stone so readily at he who also sins (him/her, your partner in life, the one you vowed to love and cherish always). The one you pledged your love to and attempted to build a life with. Why is it that we feel so angry and indignant at the weakness of our spouses to the point of wanting to walk away? How can we think we're worthy enough to be the one to make the judgment call?

With soul-crushing realization, we may see ourselves in an incredibly unflattering light. We, who turn so quickly away from our loved ones, forgetting the many times they've chosen to turn toward us in the same scenario. I believe that we start wanting to call it quits when we've become too narrow-sighted and -minded. We seek the easy way out when we've forced ourselves to see that as the only way out; we've taken away the ability to view anything but what we choose to see in front of us. Like horses, we are wearing blinders. Unlike horses, however, we have opposable thumbs and are fully capable of taking those blinders off and realizing that there is a bigger picture that needs to be accounted for. 

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I talked with a Nazarene Preacher on Friday about what I was going to school for. After some back and forth about society's views of marriage and whether or not I was married, he asked me if I believed in forgiveness: I said "Of course, I have to!" He noted "You don't have to, but if you want this to work, you do." I thought it was pretty obvious and that it didn't even need to be said, but I think it's probably not obvious for everyone.

We have to forgive one another for being human! We have to forgive one another for our mistakes and our weaknesses. Granted, it's not always easy, but we ought to at least try for the sake of our marriages and for the sake of our partner's happiness. How about that concept? What else could we improve upon for our partner's happiness?

Much Ado About Nicholas Sparks

Who doesn't love a good Nicholas Sparks romance? I have to admit, Nicholas Sparks movies are my guilty pleasure (along with anything Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, etc). I love romance! Sparks is a wonderful romance novelist who doesn't quite cross the line of skeezy, which I appreciate. As a writer and a woman, I commend Sparks for the way he makes many-a-woman's heart flutter. However, as a wife and future mother, I do that little "face-palm" thing, because he is setting E X T R E M E L Y unrealistic standards for relationships, love, and romance.

I wasn't a porn addict when I got married. I didn't read dirty romance novels. Those obviously set unrealistic standards and are destructive to relationships as well as the purity of true love and marriage. What I was eating up, with very little discretion, were Nick Sparks movies, Twilight, and any and every Disney romance there was (and then some). You may be thinking here, "Hold up now! Is she really  trying to make a comparison between pornography and harmless Disney?!" Yes, I am, but hear me out. Obviously, there is very little, if any nudity or graphic or provocative scenes in this category of romance (more so in Nick Sparks, much much less in Disney), but there are some standards being set that aren't attainable for most people. I became addicted to those butterflies and the cheesy romance. I began to think that that was true love. Imagine my surprise when I finally got married and got my wake up call from reality!

After a little over two years of marriage later, I'm still enjoying Nick Sparks' movies, but for a different reason. This evening I went to see The Choice at the theater with a girl friend. I managed not to cry like a baby. The experience, though emotional and compelling, wasn't as chaotic as it has been in the past. When the credits began to roll I stood up and my first thought was "I'm so glad that's not my story." Let me tell you why: it's too much drama and none of it is real! How weird is it that I don't want to have the most epic fights that make it seem like we're about to fall apart?! I don't like being in rain; I can't think of anything less romantic. Granted, I've grown up and lived in a part of the states where the rain is never warm. I also take a lot of pride in how I do my hair on a daily basis, thus rain is my arch nemesis. Making out in the rain has never been a thing for me. However, according to Nick Sparks, this is a "must have" experience. So who's right? I'm going to spare you any further confusion: you and your partner only know what's best and what's right.

If you don't like: long walks on the beach, making out in the rain, going for a bumpy ride horseback (when you have no idea how to ride a horse), writing love letters for years to someone who may or may not be getting them, pining over someone who married someone else and showing up one day to win them back, "romantically" cheating on someone in a whirlwind romance, getting back with your high-school flame; if that's not for you, that's totally okay. There are a lot of other cliches I could include, specifically on the steamier intimate side, but I really don't need to. I trust you get my point. The point is, true love is not like that. There is a "honeymoon phase" that lasts about 3 months, give or take, then things get real. Imperfections become painfully obvious, the fun may be gone, and the romance may feel a little stale. This is the part where you have to make a decision about compatibility and the costs and rewards of pursuing the relationship. Everyone experiences these two steps, but not everyone goes forward. For those who do, their actions from that choice on determine the quality of the relationship.

Nichols Sparks had one thing right in this latest movie installment of his series: we are continually making choices in life and in love. Unfortunately, a lot of romantic media and literature portrays a story of love and romance that just "happens" to two people ("soul mates"). Certain things do befall us, but much of our fate is not pre-determined, especially when it comes to love. You may have heard that love is a choice that you make every day, or something to that effect. When my husband and I got married, some of the greatest advice we got was that marriage is work and it is well worth the effort. At the time, I felt like I understood what was meant and I was sure we'd make it. I can tell you now that I had no idea, but I have made choices based on that advice (and personal experience) that have gotten me and my husband to where we are in our marriage. We've both decided we're going to make it work. That's what we vowed to do, that's what we promised each other.

We make choices about how we speak to each other, what we bring up (and what we don't), and how we treat each other. There are hundreds of opportunities within a single day that give us the choice to build up or tear down our marriage. Lately, I've been trying to be less negative, more complimentary, and I've tried to nurture my fondness and admiration for my husband in doing so. I've done more to help endear me to my husband and develop a greater sense of awe - which hasn't been hard because he's amazing. The choice that I made to try to do these things has made a huge difference this week. I didn't fully realize that until that movie was over and, for once, I was extremely pleased to be who I was with who I am married to.

 Given the choice between me and my husband, and a Nick Sparks couple, I'd choose me and my husband every time. I love our romance, it fits us. I love my husband; he is my best friend, greatest companion, and ultimate lover. Real life is crazy enough, I don't need the added turbulence of theatrical drama to make my love life feel epic. It is epic enough in just the right ways. I know I can count on him, I know I can count on us, and I know I'm being true to myself. I also know that none of that just happened and I love that too, because it proves that we are dynamic and beautiful creatures capable of feats much more epic than Edward and Bella or Snow White and Prince Charming. In the face of a very uncertain reality, a society that is growing sour to family and marriage, war, death, disease, poverty - you name it - I know who will be there by my side. We're Zombie Apocalypse mates for life and eternity to come, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yeah, there's nothing like a sappy romance to remind me of how lucky I am to have the story that I do have. I have my own fairy tale; I write a new page daily  (though, sometimes chapters tend to occur in a span of a single day), and I prefer it to the rest. I am a die-hard romantic, yes, but I value true love over romance.

IMPORTANT NOTE: By all means don't stop watching Disney, Twilight, The Notebook, or what have you simply because I'm saying it sets unrealistic standards. We each know best what we can handle while remaining faithful to ourselves and our partners. It is important that we are critical about what we watch, read, etc. For some people these concepts have been obvious from the get-go, but we weren't all born critical-thinkers. People, like me, have fallen for the impossible and it is destructive.

Mothers and Fathers, do your children the justice of showing them a real love story (through your examples), and explaining the difference in movies and books. Wives and husbands, be honest with yourselves about your fidelity. Be careful about the feelings you stir up in your hearts and home, because the sneaky ones like to stick around and injure real love. I only wish to share a word of caution, not pass judgment! Thanks for reading!

Minding Your Mind Frame in Marriage: Part 2

A Note of Gratitude
I'd like to start off by shouting from the roof-tops how grateful I am for my husband. He is the man who saves cat videos on his phone for when I'm really sad, so he can show me and I laugh uncontrollably. This isn't the only way he makes my rainy days better. He brings me little treats that he knows I like, sparing what I'm sure adds up to a pretty penny for my luxury. Yes, a soda pop from the local Maverick is a luxury for me! He lets me drive our new truck, because he knows how ridiculously excited I am about owning my first car. I'm sure it can't be easy for a man to let his wife showboat and hog an object of their pride and joy, but my husband is pretty selfless like that. These are only a few of the little things he always does, every day. He feels joy when I feel joy, sadness when I feel sadness, frustration when I'm frustrated. We feel all the feels that are to be felt, together. Bless his soul, 'cause Heaven knows I'm sensitive and have unpredictable stormy weather in the mood department. Even so, his compassion for me runs deep, yet sometimes I don't notice it.

BFFLE: Best Friends for Life & Eternity
I think many of us probably don't notice just how attuned our partners are to us. We may even find it exasperating that they aren't being stronger when we're at our weakest. While this can be somewhat of a challenge in the sense that you want to throw yourself on their shoulder and weep, but truly the fact that they are feeling what you're feeling means something very special. I'm not trying to say that all spouses should be basket cases when the other is, but we ought to recognize that they're likely suffering a bit too. Not only are they feeling sympathy, they're also truly experiencing empathy; they've closely tied their happiness to yours, heart strings and all. Sadly enough, we're not all that close.

This attunement springs from the well of friendship, the sustaining life water of your relationship. May I repeat again, friendship is the vital life water of your relationship. It is not romance, it is not communication, it is not the vague notion of "chemistry," nor is it a good sex life. All of the aforementioned hinge on the fact that you two are the best of friends. If you do not feel that you're married to your best friend - don't despair! How do we get best friends in the first place? Through trial, experience, hard work, blood, sweat, and tears. All of our best relationships are forged in fire. That being said, today is a good day to start befriending your spouse. Not only because it improves that list of things, but because it is our strongest line of defense in the face of negativity. Your friendship will safeguard your relationship when the romance isn't there and you just can't seem to get anything through their thick noggin. John Gottman's research on marriage proves this. If you doubt your muster for the task, I'd highly recommend reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman. This man has taken the finest nuances of a good marriage and worked them down to scientific evidence, showing us how we can protect, rescue, and improve our marriages.

Covenant Marriage
That said, I need to finish up my thoughts on contractual versus covenant marriage. We know that contractual is that 50/50 thing, so covenant must be the 100/100 thing. This is true and there's more to it. I'd like to explain covenant marriage through a video of a man sharing his remarkable insight regarding a parable of Christ's: of the Shephard versus the hireling and how each corresponds to covenant versus constractual marriage. Certainly our mind frame makes all of the difference in how we care for our marriage. Enter, Bruce C. Hafen: