Mind Your Mind Frame in Marriage: Part 1

The following overarching idea came to me whilst reading the article, Covenant Hearts, by Bruce C. Hafen. Coincidentally enough (or not so), I came across a piece of material on Facebook before I started reading his article, and I feel that is what got the gears churning in my head that helped to generate this idea. The post was from Tech Insider (the Facebook page) about the possible "real" reason behind divorce. I hadn't read the article, but it seemed to imply that we weren't already aware of the true and legitimate culprit of divorce. After writing my blog post, I'll have to track that article down and see if I was right or not. However, the thought crystallized while reading that article.

Our ideas about marriage prior to marriage (and shortly after we first encounter trials in marriage) affect the longevity and quality of the marriage. I'm not not submitting that just any pre-conceived notions count; I'm saying that whether our mentality is contract-like or covenant-like determines the quality and longevity of marriage. The truth is we're all imperfect beings choosing another being whose perfections we can "live with." This does not mean that we cannot help one another to improve our imperfections and weaknesses - that's the whole point! However, there is a huge difference between the way a contract-thinker versus a covenant-thinker perceive imperfection.

The contractual mind frame sees imperfection as somewhat of an omen, if not altogether an indicator of absolute bad. If one part of the marriage is bad, the whole part is bad. I, myself, began with this same perspective. These people feel that they are not bound by any obligation to improve a.) themselves, for they are often as guilty as their partner or b.) the marriage; if he/she does a,b, and/or c, the whole marriage is doomed - there is nothing left to salvage. Of course, this generally isn't something like "He can't take the trash out," or "She won't stop telling her mother about everything going on in our lives," that leads to divorce. However, for some people, that is just enough to push them over the edge if they view their marriage through the contractual perspective. Ultimately, as soon as they believe that there is no value left for them, they're out. The model of adequate contribution in their head is "50/50." However, this model was incorrect to begin with. Being the fact that we are all imperfect, we are incapable of giving the total 50. And if two people already aren't giving the total 50, even less, then there simply is not enough going into the relationship to provide a foundation for them to stand on, much less build on.

This mind frame is what lends truth to the statistic that holds that those who divorce are more likely than those who don't to divorce again. Furthermore, that likelihood increases with each subsequent divorce. Buy why? Don't people learn over time? If they've got this contractual view of marriage and they did do indeed take flight at the first sign of trouble, they condition themselves to believe that that trouble is real trouble, a real threat, a good reason to have gotten the heck out of dodge. With the chaos and turmoil one feels when divorcing, regardless of why, one begins to associate those feelings of inadequacy, failure, fear, disappointment, brokenhearted-ness, and hopelessness - all of which are most likely externalized by blaming, though they are truly a reflection of how said person feels about having loved and lost - with the trouble/event/imperfection that started it all. In total, generated is the idea that it was the person or the marriage to that person that was wrong, not any actions or inaction within the marriage.

Inevitably, contract thinkers are bound to only find the next person whose imperfection (that they're aware of) they can tolerate. They're also bound to become just as disappointed, because there is no perfect soul mate. Yes, it's true. We create our own magic; the prospect of a fairy tale ending is in our hands. It's possible to live happily ever after, but it requires blood, sweat, and toil. There is no one person in the whole universe that is just right for you. (Even if that were true, marriage to that person wouldn't suddenly become easy.) It's important to know that we tend to attract people who are quite similar to us. Often, in order to find Mr./Mrs. Right, we need to become Mr./Mrs. Right, but we're all too caught up thinking that the we don't need to change in order to realize or give heed to this fact. Who would want to be with someone that had little to contribute, but also had high demands of their partner? I wouldn't and it's safe to assume that the rest of the human population also is not interested in such a poor offer. The main idea here is that whether these are physical traits or personality/character traits that we desire, unless we possess them ourselves, we're not going to get that out of someone else (not for long, at least). 

Emotional intelligence is a contributing factor to our mind frame as it either in inhibits our magnifies our ability to form proper and healthy relationships. Unfortunately enough, we aren't all very emotionally intelligent. This isn't a tragic fault, but one often overlooked. When we already struggle to understand ourselves, we become even more befuddled by adding another person's emotions into the equation. Emotional intelligence is something that is instilled and built upon starting from toddler-hood, which is when we begin to perceive that we are; that is, that we feel, know, do, perceive, and are subjects of others' existences. 

This budding egocentricity gradually becomes less and less centered on self and more concerned with others, but being able to identify and validate one's own emotions must come first before making gains in social intelligence. Both our temperament, personality, experiences, and environment contribute to our social-emotional education and this continues throughout the rest of our lives. However, those who better understand themselves are better off understanding others as well as are better able to build legitimate, satisfying relationships that last. Be those relationships with siblings, parents, friends, or spouses. Additionally, the examples we continue to see and experience in our parents' marriages (first and foremost), the marriages of other notable or admirable figures in our lives, as well as those that are publicized in the media, serve as a pattern that we have a tendency to adhere to.Please note, in all of this, we are not static; if one is aware of the deficit and has the desire as well as the resources to make up for the deficit, one is more than capable of changing his or her own circumstances. This principle applies to almost everything in the human experience. Finally, the quality of the relationships we experience with our parents (yet again first and foremost), our siblings, other relatives, friends, and so on, also set the stage for the quality of the relationships we have with spouses. Look up John Bowlby's work on Attachment Styles, for more information.

Never in my life have I encountered more of a catchy, truly artistic and insightful song as Daughters, by John Mayer:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too.

John Mayer was definitely onto something, here! Though, I don't quite agree with the gender stereo-type. Now that we've examined 3 or 4 tangents on the theme of the marriage contract paradigm, we'll take a look at the covenant marriage paradigm (Another time: Part 2.)

**Dearest readers, it has come to my attention that sharing politically charged material on Facebook is not the appropriate avenue for edification. I will not be sharing any of my blog articles that I believe will cause a fuss, because I don't want to force any more people (and their dangerous curiosity) to encounter material that will upset them. If you want closure on my opinion about gay marriage and its place in society, you know where to look, but please don't do so to feed your offense. I'm not trying to attack the gay community and gay marriage, but I am not going to be dishonest about my personal beliefs. Remind yourselves that I do have the right to share my beliefs and opinions, as protected by the first amendment. You have the right and the ability to spare yourself the grief, so please take advantage of it!