I didn't meet my husband until I stopped looking for "someone." More accurately, I met my husband when I stopped searching to the point of obsession; I truly believed I could not live as a single person. What I didn't realize at the time was that the real issue had much less to do with relationship status and a lot more to do with my love quota. First and foremost, I did not love myself nearly enough as I should have. I still don't, but I've seriously improved since then. I read a beautiful quote the other day that blew me away:
"Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done." - Rudy Francisco
What a beautifully accurate thought! It describes, in exactly one sentence, why loving ourselves is important. Why? Because people need to love us the right way, not the wrong way. This is more than just speaking the right love language; loving ourselves protects us from people who might love us with physical or emotional abuse, who might love us with manipulation, pride, envy (or any other selfish descriptor you can think of). None of these add up to true love and true love cannot exist with a chronically high concentration of these things. We know that, yet still we fall into (even cling to) relationships that may as well be poison, or at least an uncomfortably benign tumor (ii's not that bad, but it's not healthy, and it's probably operable). Loving ourselves involves setting standards: what we do and don't deserve, what is good and what isn't good enough, etc. When we don't love ourselves, we seek for others to define our standards. There are only a few beings in existence that know exactly what we deserve and what we're worth, and you are only one that isn't already immortal.
Still, in all things moderation! Society has been preachung this message, but I think it's gone too far. "Love yourself," has become a moral platitude. Not everyone is doing it, but a lot of people are doing it to such an extent that true love still cannot be achieved. True love consists of many different things and it varies from person to person, but the one thing that is universally requisite is selflessness.
I am telling you right now that you have to love yourself quite a bit more than you probably already do and you have to be selfless. What a combination! Could we get a break here?! Unfortunately, this is yet another life lesson in achieving balance. I've recently come to the conclusion that balance is perfection and perfection is balance. For those who have played with a weighted scale, you know that balance can be achieved at almost any point, so long as the counterweight is placed sufficiently in regard to the fulcrum. We must realize that balance is not always what we think it ought to be, but the physics behind it (which were not created by us, we simply discovered them) require a certain amount of give and take, a degree of moderation. Achieving balance in life is haphazard and time consuming, much like it is for people who dink around with a weighted scale for the first time. If this principle weren't true, the very cells of our bodies (as well as other living being's bodies) wouldn't try so darn hard to achieve homeostasis and gravity probably wouldn't be a thing either. These are only a few ideas that operate under the principle of balance and moderation. If they do, how can we believe for one second that we do not as well? If you doubt my theory, I would love for you to do your own research, come back, and prove me wrong, but I'll wish you luck on your way!
"Morality has become allied with self-interest. It is not simply that people have the right to do what is best for themselves, rather it has become an almost sacred obligation to do so. The modern message is that what is right and good and valuable to do in life is to focus on yourself, to learn what is inside you, to express and cultivate these inner resources, to do what is best for yourself and so forth.
Many Americans today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one's individual best interests. If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction, and fulfillment to the self, then it is regarded as wrong, and the individual is justified--perhaps even obligated--to end the relationship and find a new, more fulfilling one. According to today's values, 'A kind of selfishness is essential to love (Baumeister, 1991).'"
Here, Baumeister is talking about that socially acceptable narcissism that has penetrated and buoyed-up the Collective Whole's ego. Regardless of who you are and what your intentions may be, imbalance is unhealthy. You may perceive that you've mastered the concept of balance (much to the consternation of our Creator) but the simple truth is that none of us have, and we're not meant to master balance in this life. However, we ought to strive for it in every aspect of our life, especially in love. Learn to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved; set standards, figure out your identity, build some self-esteem, and then take that investment and put a little bit of it into others. I promise those investments will return you the favor with a serious profit that could never be achieved through selfishness. When you find someone who loves you the way you ought to be loved, you'll have plenty of surplus to sacrifice in building your partner up. Even then, you will learn to love yourself even more, because they give you the distinct privilege of sight beyond your eyes. When you put them before yourself, you will come to know, more perfectly, your own worth and value.
I didn't love myself enough when I found my husband, but I was trying a little harder to do so than I had in the past, and I know that made a difference. I also know that the love my husband has for me as healed me and lifted me up to greater heights. My gratitude for him and our marriage cannot be described. Honestly, at the end of the day I am not convinced that I'm not living somewhat of a fairy tale. And I'm totally okay with that because I think that's what I deserve! I also happen to think that's what you deserve, too. Figure out whether or not your love for yourself and your love for others is balanced (again, this doesn't necessarily mean 50/50!) and make the changes you need to make to achieve harmony in love.
Reference:
Baumeister, Roy. (1991). Meanings of Life, New York: Guildford Press. 113-14.
Baumeister, Roy. (1991). Meanings of Life, New York: Guildford Press. 113-14.
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